choice.

don’t dream too far
don’t lose sight of who you are

every so often we long to steal
to the land of what-might-have-been
but that doesn’t soften the ache we feel
when reality sets back in

don’t wish
don’t start
wishing only wounds the heart.

whew. liking something i wrote enough to publish it is becoming increasingly difficult (even though i only have three readers, heh heh). i decided to just give it a rest — that search for the perfectly written entry — and just write some random thoughts out. take a page outta carol’s book =)

something i’ve been thinking about all semester is whether having choices is a positive luxury or a negative one. past generations didn’t have the benefit of making whatever decisions they wanted to make. they were limited in their job selections so the vast majority basically became blue-collar workers in american society. some just committed to marry due to parental suggestions, and they stuck with it regardless of romantic interest.

however, in our day and age, our society is presented with SO many choices. (obviously, this is not a blanket statement over all american citizens, but more geared towards the middle class demographic of which i am a part.) if we’re unhappy with our jobs, we can get new ones in a different field. if we’re unhappy with our majors, we fill out a form and try out another one. if we’re unhappy with a relationship, we break up — and our appalling divorce rate testifies to and validates it.

basically, if we’re unhappy, there’s always a way out.

when i met up with pastor min, he was saying how my definition of love is commitment. when some people say they want love, they mean they want to have that genuine, authentic feeling, that romantic connection, and that is the deepest desire of their hearts. while i think that it would be amazing if something as ephemeral as feelings could last or be relied upon, i don’t believe they are reliable in the least, and i think that commitment is of far greater value than such transient feelings. knowing that hardships are imminent but committing anyways — this, from my perspective, is of infinitely more worth than the tenuous basis of craving a mere emotion.

however, i think i am practical to a fault, and this value i place on commitment stems from that. this pragmatism has drained much joy from my life because i have lost the capacity to dream. if something is not an attainable goal, why waste the heart and mind thinking about and pining for it? i used to take this practicality as a positive attribute, but i think it has resulted in a permanent establishment of the cynic in me. i constantly wonder if it’s possible to be realistic without being cynical.

so to return to my question of whether choice is good or bad: when are you exercising the positive aspects of choice, and when are you abusing choice so you can avoid what you don’t want? when does that point occur where reneging on a commitment becomes acceptable because the alternative would be disastrous? i think i fall too much on one end of the extreme where i think all commitments should be binding and there should be no quitting point, and i used to think that this was a good thing. but maybe i’m wrong and you should get out if you feel like you’ll be miserable forever. i just have this mentality that nothing’s doomed so it seems like a giving-up mentality, but maybe that IS being realistic. oy my mind. this semester has screwed with me a LOT. i feel all messed up in the brain.

anyhow. this was all over the place and had no conclusion. but HEY better than nothing =)

also. i am sweating. it takes me forever to fall asleep in this heat, preventing sleep from gracing me and therefore causing me to stay up later, think longer, and wonder more. i don’t know if this is a good or a bad thing, but i suppose it’s better than being mindless.

SO here’s to another sleepless night of pondering questions with no answers. good NIGHTTTT.