twenty twelve.

I know I have made many a commitment to blog over the past years and that these commitments have ended in miserable failure. But o yes. Get ready for it. I’m doing it again. Steadfast blogging 2012, I’M DOING IT. (Or trying and feeling scared.)

I’ve learned a lot over the past semester, more than will fit into one blog entry. To summarize, I basically realized that there is a continuity in character that cannot be ignored. I cannot compartmentalize my life and think the patterns I build up in one area of life will not inevitably alter every other aspect of life. When I turned off my mind and stopped thinking a few years back, this didn’t solely color the part of my life I was trying to forget; it erased my ability to insightfully analyze, to deeply believe and feel, to understand clearly things that had been muddled before. I lost my potential for depth.

The problem with all this is that this ability to think through things and to deeply analyze is the most essential part of me. Losing this meant losing my core, and this loss debilitated all other aspects of my life. It stunted my relationships, my emotions, my work, and, most importantly, my faith. If I cannot access my mind and have difficulty sorting through the complexity of thoughts that float in and out of my mind all day, I cannot engage deeply with anyone or anything.

I used to wonder why this gap between myself and God felt ever-increasing and unable to be closed.  I’ve had brief moments of inspiration and conviction over the years, but they never lasted beyond the song or the service or the weekend. And what I’ve realized is that, until my core begins to work again and my mind is able to be engaged, it never will. Right now, my mind is completely trapped by the devil. There is no Word in me, nothing fights the sinful thoughts that arise in me, and my mind is completely out of control, relying on itself and the world to know what is right or wrong.

On Sunday Dr. Steve was saying how it is so easy to get jaded by the annual new year’s resolution hoopla. It happens every year, we fail and feel disappointed over and over, what’s really the point. Why battle our sinful urges for a mere month only to eventually quit anyway? Then he said this: “Yet there’s something about staying in the fight, isn’t there?” Why, yes. Yes, there is.

So I’m beginning 2012 wanting to fight for my freedom. And the thing is, I don’t really have a choice. If I don’t fight for freedom, it’s lost.

In defiance of tyranny.

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